Knife people for not wanting to see your boobs or get your elementary students to make cards for your jailbird boyfriend? Sure, no one's killed or kidnapped or set fire to anything this time, but our contenders are still complete FTs nonetheless.

Not the standard show today as our intended guest got sick, so we are forced to decide the "FT of the week" ourselves.

Plus:

An Aussie man improvs a lady-focussed "erotic" fantasy
(After our outro:) A man pleads for sex. But not in the conventional way.
And draw your own perverted conclusions re: the new Stumble Upon logo.

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